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Christian Humor

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 TAXI
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.
 The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the sidewalk, and stopped inches from a shop window. For a second, everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look, pal, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"
 The passenger apologized and said he didn't realize that a little tap could scare him so much. The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving hearses for the last 25 years!

 
 (I see why he is jumpy, not used to folks in the back of him tapping him, ha! ha!)


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 TEXTING ELDERLY
An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their cellphones. The wife was a romantic type, and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.  One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee. She decided to send her husband a romantic text message, so she wrote: "If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."

The husband texted back to her: "I'm using the bathroom. Please advise."
( ha ha!She might want to bridle her tongue.- James 1:26)

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TALKING PARROT
 "The parrot doesn't talk."
"Did you buy a mirror?"
 "No."
 "Every parrot needs a mirror."
 So she bought a mirror and installed it in the parrot's cage. Another week and a half went by and she returned.
 "The parrot still doesn't talk."
 "Did you buy a ladder?"
 "No."
 "Every parrot needs a ladder."
 So she bought a ladder and installed it in the cage. Another week and a half passed and she returned.
 "The parrot still doesn't talk."
 "Did you buy a swing?"
 "No."
 "Every parrot needs a swing."
 So she bought a swing and installed it in the cage. A week and a half later she returned. She was furious! The store owner asked, "Did the parrot talk?"
 "No!, he died."
 "Oh, that's terrible. Did he say anything before he died?"
 "Yes."
 "What?"
 "His dying words were, 'Don't they have any food down at that store?'"

(Poor Bird! Are you glad that man should not live by bread alone but by every word that perceived from the mouth of God? Matthew 4:4)

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THINK ABOUT ITIf nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?

If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress?

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, "Quit while you're still ahead?"

If the Energizer Bunny attacks someone, is it charged with battery?

If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Why are we afraid of falling? Shouldn't we be afraid of the sudden stop?


Why do airlines call flights nonstop? Don't they all stop eventually?


Why is the alphabet in that order?


Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?


You know how most packages say "Open here" What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else?"


Why are there Braille signs on drive-up ATM's?
Too Funny
Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
He's all right now.

How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.

How does a spoiled rich girl change a lightbulb?
She says, "Daddy, I want a new apartment."

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroids.

What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick.

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho Cheese.

What do you call Santa's helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?
Quatro sinko.

What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.


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Crazy Warning Labels…Uh Yeah!

A warning label found on a baby stroller cautions the user to "Remove child before folding."

A prescription of pills for ear ache says, "Take by mouth." (where you think I'm putting this pill? HA!)


A prescription of sleeping pills says, "Warning: May cause drowsiness."

A sticker on a toilet at a public facility in Ann Arbor, Michigan actually warns, "Recycled flush water unsafe for drinking."

A CD player carries this unusual warning: "Do not use the Ultradisc2000 as a projectile in a catapult."

A label on a hand-held massager advises consumers not to use "while sleeping or unconscious."

A container of underarm deodorant says, "Caution: Do not spray in eyes." shaking my head HA!

A household iron warns users "Never iron clothes while they are being worn."

A label with a hair dryer reads, "Never use hair dryer while sleeping."

A can of self-defenseOne pepper spray warns users, "May irritate eyes." uh yeah!!! that's the purpose lol
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POINTS TO PONDER
How can you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

Could someone ever get addicted to counseling? If so, how could you treat them?

Can you be a closet claustrophobic?

Does anyone ever vanish with "a" trace?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

If Fed Ex and UPS merge, would they call it Fed UP?

If a chronic liar tells you he is a chronic liar do you believe him?

If a mute child swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
                               




Comments

Ty said…
Thanks...I needed a good laugh.
Kitt Swanson said…
We all do. I love laughing, it frees the soul from anxiety (smiles)

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